I've got a fever of 103!

Ok so again I've failed to blog on the regular. I've grown to like using twitter because it's like mini-blogs. It's also quicker to post tiny random musings on random things.

Now I feel compelled to explore my recent fascination with guns. Flash back to 2yrs ago and I was terribly frightened of guns. Flash forward to today and I'm obsessed with them. It's funny how time changes things and heals wounds. I guess my current fascination started when I went shooting with some friends from work at a gun club's gun range. At first I was scared and excited to be going to shoot guns. When I arrived at the range it was very much the same feeling. I was a little late getting there so when I walked in people were already shooting. It was my first time being there so I felt very much out of my element. I walked into the actually range and was handed a set of hearing protection.

After receiving my hearing protection I followed my friend over to a stall where he showed me how to load and shoot two different guns. One gun was a revolver and the other a semi-automatic pistol. Being a fan of classic cinema of course I wanted to try the revolver first.

My hands shook as I took the revolver and loaded it for the first time. After loading the 6 chambers and readying the revolver I took it up in my hands and positioned it to shoot. As I tried to line up the sight with the target my hands shook as my fingered curled around the trigger. With the smells of gun powder filling the air like a 4th of July memory I squeezed the trigger feeling the tiny gun kick in my hands. It was both a rush and a relief to get that first round out of the chamber. It was then I knew I was hooked. I continued to fire the revolver for most of the hour before switching to the semi-auto for the last few minutes. Needless to say my shooting with the revolver was much more accurate than that of the pistol. After finishing up I had a bit of a chat with my friends about becoming a member of the gun club and buying a gun of my own. As I left the gun club range and drove away in my 97' Ford Probe I knew it wouldn't be the last time driving out of the lot. I also had a renewed sense of strength from knowing that I was capable of taming the formed metal of the bullets and guns.

I've gone once more since then. Today actually. Shooting again has made the await the next payday with a sense of urgency and impatience. I long to own a shooting iron of my own as well as a membership card to the gun club. I tire of being a guest to the club. I want to belong with my fellow target shooting bretheren in this club of theirs. I've also gone shopping for guns but have yet to see one that longs for my company. I've already purchased my own hearing protection and have a bag that I'll probably use to transport my shooting gear to and from the range. I think it's safe to say my diagnosis is definetly gun fever.

a quick note on religions

here's how I feel about religion. okay so if you ask some people "why are your beliefs/ religion this?" they will reply with the simple fact that it's what their parents believed and so that's what they do. to me this is the wrong way to go about finding what makes you choose the path for your life. to me a religion should be based on what you hold to be true to you and not what those who raised held to be their truth. it should be something you love and not a chore thrust upon you. I guess you could say I believe in induviduality...

gay man trapped in a straight woman's body

So anyone who's ever used an online service like amazon or netflix knows how they use your previous rental/purchase/search history to give you recommendations about things you may be interested in. Amazon usually recommends the obvious like you bought a book by John Grisham here's another book by John Grisham that you would like. Or they aim very stereotypical with things like you looked at video games we bet you like all video games. Or you looked at a shirt with a shoe on it I bet that you have two feet and enjoy buying shoes to cover them. Amazon isn't a great one for showing you things that would be eye opening or something that you now love after seeing it but wouldn't of known it existed without it being recommended to you. One thing I do like about amazon's recommendation system is that since I've bought DVDs from amazon it tells me when they have DVD sales especially on seasons of TV shows.

Any who I'm getting a bit off topic. What the headline refers to is the curious recommendations given to me by netflix and later Hollywood video.



I watch my share of DVDs and online movies/shows from netflix. I used to be on the 4 DVDs at a time plan but later scaled down to 2 at a time when i realized i wasn't watching them very quickly. At work I'm able to watch the instant viewing offerings. They help make a slow night go by a bit faster. In fact I'm watching one in the background while typing up this post. I love netflix's recommendations! I watch a lot of various genres and languages of films. I never thought anything would be able to get my movie watching history into some sort of order and organization so that it would be able to give me very accurate recommendations for the most part. I'd say netflix's recommendations tend to swing somewhere in the ballpark of 90% win. Netflix knows I love french films starring Audrey tatou and old jimmy Stewart & Doris day films.



Lately as I've browsed through the recommendations netflix gives me I've noticed that more and more of them fall under the gay & lesbian category. Now looking through the recommendations in that category I'm noticing the ones recommended to me all have men on the cover and deal with the stories of coming out, love, and other topics all relating to gay men. At first I was all wtf? Who does netflix think I am? I'm a straight woman and it keeps serving up stores about living life as a gay man in today's world. Don't get me wrong netflix. I'm not homophobic and I do love men but I am not a man. Also I'm pretty sure you are right in saying that I would like some of these films/shows.



Yesterday night I went to Hollywood video down the street from my house. They have this new zoltar psychic gimmick thing that is supposed to recommend you a list of movies that you will enjoy based on your rental history. Also if you do it you get a neat coupon, mine was rent one get one free. For the curious I rented the planet (for my dad), the bucket list (on blu-ray for myself), and lars and the real girl (for me and my sis Sam). Any who before I rented anything I got the recommendations print out. I wish I would've saved it to post here. It had recommended to me shows such as queer as folk among others.

When I was looking for a picture for this blog I found this pic of Don Cheadle and I just liked it so much I had to post it even though Don Cheadle is not gay.

After the Hollywood video thing I've decided I'm going to accept being a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body. I love men, musicals, documentaries about the coming out experience, and have great taste. I will watch foreign films that tend to be more explicit in regards to many things including the areas of sex. I will sing about angry inches and laugh/relate to Margaret cho jokes on a personal level. I will continue to watch LOGO especially when it has Margaret cho or the scissor sisters on. I will continue to love every episode of "can't get a date" whether gay/straight and I will continue to believe that all people deserve the same rights. I will fight stereotypes, homophobes, and conservatives who believe that the LGBT community shouldn't exsist or shouldn't have equal rights.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I'm not afraid to say i'm a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body. Yeah I've just come out of the GMTIASW'sB closet. I guess me and netflix are gonna go on a trip to California and get our gay marriage on. Wait... is netflix even a dude?

p.s. if you have netflix check out coming out stories in the instant viewing section. good stuff. some of it is very cry worthy.

UPDATE: After watching the documentary "super high me" I've also noticed that netflix also thinks that i'm a stoner. It says I will give high (heh, high) marks to shows like weeds and super high me (which I did for super high me). I don't know what it is about me but I get the whole "stoner" thing from people in real life too. I've never smoked anything let alone pot in my life but I get asked by people every so often if I do get high. People that know me think it's hilarious that someone would even ask that about me. So yeah if you were gonna ask the answer is: no I don't, nor have I ever, get high and I can't reccomend you to a good dealer so don't ask.

UPDATE: 7/17/09 Just fixed some formatting issues on this post. Never noticed the change in fonts sizes til' I went to post a new blog and checked out how it looked.

cloak of invisibility

all i ever wanted was for someone to notice me...
now that you do
and i know how you feel
i wish i could just dissapear
like a dream and you'd forget about me
forget i exsisted
forget i made any impact on your life
i will forget you
to remember you would leave a never healing scar
i can't bear that cross
forget the feelings
forget the fears, tears, and all of that
just go your way and i'll go mine
never let our paths cross
eternal sunshine in our spotless minds

FuCk WOrk!

No better blog title could describe the feeling i've felt most about work lately. I've gone back and forth about the whole work thing for some time now. Lately that feelings been brought back to the forefront in a major way. I felt I had to blog because it's kind of hard to talk about with the people I have access to in a normal week. The biggest issues I have stem from two fellow employees of my place of work. One a manager of sorts and the other in a similar position to mine with less seniority (not that that seems to mean shit here). Lets call the manager uncleson and the one with the similar position grandneice. Those names will help you to remember their relationship to each other and the owner. Uncleson is the son of the owner and the uncle of grandneice. Grandneice is the granddaughter of the owner and the neice of Uncleson. The one I have the least problems with is Uncleson.

Most of the time I acutally feel sorry for him. Currently his age is around 50. He grew up in a well off family (read: Spoiled Child that never worked) and seems to be sort of a blacksheep/troublemaker of the bunch. Anywho eventually he would be relocated from the west coast to Colorado to run a hotel. Mind you he seems like he's never had much, if any job experience, but none the less is sent to manage a hotel in a place he's never been. My understanding is the current owner has had this hotel for going on two plus years now. I've been here for 1yr 4months. Around my, lets say, 9month mark he got into some legal trouble which put him on probation. During this time he wasn't able to drink. He was a better and more productive(for him anyways). I remember the first time i met him. He was yelling, intoxicated, and very in your face. He nearly shoved one of those older chunky computer monitors off the desk. When he was on probation he was very tame and bearable. A bit after he was off he began drinking again. Which bring us to our present day problems. My current issue du jour is the way he talked to a fellow employee when he was drunk. I have a outside of work relationship with this person and am very overprotective. He felt it necessary to tell this employee that he pays us to do jackshit. That our job is useless and shouldn't exsist. So not only did he have me upset about his talking to this person the way he did but he also said basically that we're useless.

Now for Grandneice. Grandneice is two-face. To my face she is somewhat nice (well for her anyways) and behind my back she tries to get me fired. It's gotten to the point where everyone wishes she would just move on. She two comes from the same spoiled child family as Uncleson and it shows. She does a half-assed job on a job that isn't really that hard. She doesn't have lots of paperwork like my shift and barely has to do any food prep. Yet she still finds time to not do dishes, leave the place a mess, irritate/insult guests, and show up late if at all. Those are just some of the behavior she's allowed to get away with. If I did any of the things she did guarantee I'd be out of a job. Me and some other staff members even had to have a meeting with her about her. We told her straight out that she does a shitty job. All she could say was she'd try to do better and that this is her first job and she's never worked before. Well readers that meeting was Friday afternoon. Today is Monday the 21st. When I came in on Sunday the 20th I found a messy lobby area, eating area, and dishes in the sink. She also embarrased herself in front of a guest I was trying to help. The look on his face said it all. "What a twat!" Well maybe not those exact words but you get my meaning.

It sucks to work somewhere where you are not appreciated, will never advance, will most likely be passed over (if not already) in pay by anyone who can be involved in the rampant nepotism going on here, have no benefits, and the other AWESOME manager's hands are tied so that she can't fire the lil' delinquent without pissing off the owner and Uncleson.

I honestly think the owner wouldn't let this go on if he knew what they truly were doing with his money and investment. At least that's the tiny bit of hope I hold onto. Of course when he visits they get all "okay" employee. I can't wait to see if he ever shows up for a suprise visit and finds them both screwing around. That would be a sweet sweet revenge.

Needless to say I'm looking for a new job and have let the AWESOME manager know.

I leave you with these thoughts:

When is enough, enough?

At what point do you forgo the alliances and friends you've made in order to do what's right for your life?

When are friends not enough to keep you in a hell that you all deserve better than?

How does one get revenge without becoming the thing that they detest?

worst episode ever

Okay so I'm checking my emails, which i'll admit i'm a couple of days behind on, and i see a forward from someone. First off forwards are okay if they are entertaining but if they're spam, religious, upsetting, or just poorly written me no likey. comprende? Anyways the forward I was about to read fell under the category of religion and upsetting but I didn't know that before I opened it had I of known I definetly would've deleted it. So not knowing what was ahead I opened it and after scrolling past all the numerous email address of the readers and senders before me I began to read said forward. It started off talking about god and jesus and how you shouldn't take their name in vain and stuff. Then it goes on to give examples which i'll paraphrase below.

"john lennon in a magazine interview said the beatles were bigger than jesus... a month later he was murdered"

"billy grahm paid a visit to marilyn monroe in her apartment to tell her about jesus. she told him i don't need your jesus.. a week later she was found dead in her apartment"

There was one about this reporter who said something about god and the next day she was burned beyond recognition in her automobile. There was another one about a girl who was going somewhere with her car load full of friends who either were drunk/had been drinking when her mom told her something along the lines of may god go with you and protect you to which the daughter replied "not unless god sits in the trunk because there's no room for him" or something like that and the car later got in a car wreck. the car was destroyed beyond recognition except the trunk that was in perfect condition. the cops said it was impossible for the trunk to be unharmed when the car had been destroyed so badly and when they opened the trunk there was egg which were in perfect, uncracked condition. The last one I read was about an entertainer from a different country who was bi-sexual and of course said something that "offended" god/jesus. It went on to tell that sometime after he said that he died horribly from AIDS. There were more but I was so disgusted and sick to my stomach I couldn't go on.

How could someone take the time to write up a forward that takes the tragic ending of each persons current life and turn it into a twisted bible lesson? To me this is the kind of thing that adults tell children to brainwash them into believing the person whom is supposed to be their lord/savior is a "boogie man" of sorts to fear for the punishment will result in an untimely realease from this life. You see this is the problem I have with people who preach their faiths upon others. Using fear tactics, especially ones that turn the dearly departed into evil people who got what was coming to them, is just... just... horrible and in this case disgusting. I hate that there's some who will say you can't love who you want because their version of jesus will disaprove and send you to a place of eternal pain and suffering. I hate that people will pull from the bible only the parts that pertain to the hatred of things unconventional/different/liberal or what have you and deny the parts that say jesus was a cool dude who loved everyone and if you do something that's wrong/sinfull you can just say my jesus do you forgive me he'd just be all "of course i forgive you cause i love you. if i didn't love you i wouldn't of died for your sins". you know he's supposed to be like that parent that tells you to be honest with them and they won't be mad and then when you are honest about what happened just want to make sure you're okay.

who knows though maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm just an ignorant little buddhist who doesn't know a jesus from a jesus (pronounced hey-seuss) or maybe people are just forgetting what religions are for these days. they're not to scare kids into behaving. they're to give your life a kind of purpose or roadmap to help you get to where you're going... well at least that's what i think.

How will this story end?

Here at the hotel, on these long slow winter nights, I find myself with more alone time with my thoughts. sometimes it seems like the slightest sentence can bring inspiration for a slew of thoughts some good, some bad. Tonight it was this simple quote that brought me to blog:

"Who am I? And how, I wonder, will this story end?"

Simple. short. and yet so powerfull and all encompassing of the phase i feel i'm kinda in. is my life going down the path which will end happily ever after or am i doomed to feel like a to be continued or something worse and unhappily ever after? does this part of my life even figure into the grand scheme of things? all these thoughts, questions just rushing into my head after reading the first two sentences in a book?! it goes to show just how powerfull the written word can be to eyes that are reading and in the right mind to read them as they should be read. The next page goes on:

"My life? It isn't easy to explain. It has not been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it would be, but neither have I burrowed around with the gophers."

"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

Now this part I can relate to bits and pieces of. My life or rather my beginnings haven't been anywhere easy to explain but it's gotten easier over the years. People are different and have changed but the scars of life still linger upon me from the wounds inflicted upon me long ago. Meaning I haven't forgotten my younger years but I have forgiven which makes it easier to talk about. My ife hasn't been in any way that I know of spectacular and so far I think I have "burrowed" a bit. I think in that respect I still have a lot of "wild oats" to sew and trouble to cause though hopefully not much. ^_^ I think I'm kind of special but I still have lots of special to unleash on the world for sure. I do think that the things I ponder in this blog may not be far from the thoughts on others some of which may even be my age. Sometimes I feel like such an old soul compare to those my age but i'm sure i'm not alone in that respect. I believe there are others out there. There are no monuments to the life i've led so far and I don't think I want any errected to me in the future. I have loved. Not in the sense of romance but in the sense of family & friends. I have yet to love someone in the romantic sense. Although I know that's true it's a tough sentence to write. To sit here and physically type to the world that you've never loved before is hard. I don't know why it's nothing to be ashamed of and yet... in a way i am. It's not that I don't want to find that other piece but I guess on my part I don't feel like i've looked nor been in that point of life where I'm ready. I still have to get used to the thought of me first I guess. I think for the most part I do love me but I also do believe I could use more work. Especially now. I feel like i'm in a funk. I've slept a little more than i'm proud of in the last week and i've been having problems with work but I think the problems are really internal. Now that i've admitted there's problem I guess I need to work on a plan to solve it. I guess i'll get back to you on that one.